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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25777180">you'll never know, dear, how much I love you (please don't take my sunshine away)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/michellejones_stacy/pseuds/michellejones_stacy'>michellejones_stacy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Renegotiated Sokovia Accords, Angst, Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Civil War Was a Breakup, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, Hypothermia, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm a disaster, It's gonna happen, Just not right away, M/M, May Parker (Spider-Man) &amp; Tony Stark Coparenting Peter Parker, Minor Violence, Past Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Post-Break Up, Steve's Letter to Tony Post-Civil War (Movie), Therapy, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Deserves A Break, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, and we'll be going through some of them in this, but some parts are very different from canon, can you be friends with your therapist?, cause Tony kind of is, eventually, honestly though he just wants to be loved, i've never been to therapy so all mentions of it are probably inaccurate, it starts off as an established relationship though so keep that in mind, it starts out fluff but then does a complete 180, it's not explicitly written, like a lot of them, no beta we die like men, talking about feelings, the tags got super long i'm sorry, there is now a fourth chapter, there is now a third chapter, there's a little bit of comfort, there's no comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:16:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,375</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25777180</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/michellejones_stacy/pseuds/michellejones_stacy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Civil War, Tony struggles. A lot. And with two worried best friends, a well-meaning AI, a therapist – of all things – and a teenager who just can't stay out of trouble, things get a lot more complicated a lot more quickly.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Friday &amp; Tony Stark, Happy Hogan &amp; Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, May Parker (Spider-Man) &amp; Tony Stark, Pepper Potts &amp; James "Rhodey" Rhodes &amp; Tony Stark, Peter Parker &amp; Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Tony Stark &amp; Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this legit started out a short 3k words, and then turned into something that's going to be a lot longer. this could <em>technically</em> be considered a fix-it, but don't hold me to that. i don't know what i'm doing.</p><p>warning: i wouldn't say this <em>isn't</em> Steve friendly, but he's not shown in the best light. i try to make it across that relationships fail, it's a part of life and how we grow, and Steve isn't necessarily a bad person for doing what he did, but please keep in mind that Tony is hurt and a little bitter and his opinions do rule a large part of this fic.</p><p>feedback is appreciated :)</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>They have a song. Tony's not sure how they somehow decided on a specific song being <em>their</em> song, but - it happened. It's a thing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tony has always liked music.</p><p>His mother used to sing him to sleep sometimes, on the nights when she wasn't high and when Howard wasn't drunk and angry. Those nights are probably the best parts of Tony's childhood where his parents are concerned. He misses it, in a way, misses his mother's voice and the feel of her hand against his cheek.</p><p>After the accident that killed his parents, no one sang to Tony anymore. Tony thought that was a good thing, but –</p><p>But Steve can sing.</p><p>Like, he can <em>sing</em> sing, and Tony is <em>amazed</em>.</p><p>Tony, in spite of all the things he can do, can't sing for shit. He doesn't know why – he just can't. His mind is always five sentences ahead of his mouth, so the words come out tangled together and they stumble over each other; his mind is also always jumping from every song he's ever listened to, so he can't stay focused for long.</p><p>Maybe that's why he likes it when Steve sings.</p><p>When Steve sings, his voice is slow and deliberate and drips with sweetness. It causes Tony's mind to slow down to listen to it, causes the constant buzzing in his head to fade into the background until all he can think about is Steve and Steve's <em>voice</em> and the knowledge that he only sings for Tony, never for anyone else.</p><p>(It reminds him of his mother, and maybe <em>that's</em> why he likes it.)</p><p>Steve has sang a lot of songs to Tony, most of them soft and soothing and <em>slow</em>, and Tony loves it. It's relaxing, especially after a long day of clinging to his last bits of self-restraint in the face of greedy businessmen and board members and the like, or after spending time fighting an Avengers-level threat as Iron Man.</p><p>They have a song. Tony's not sure how they somehow decided, without a formal conversation, on a specific song being <em>their</em> song, but - it happened. It's a thing.</p><p>And Tony loves it.</p><p>"Can you sing for me?" he asks, his voice rough as he throws himself onto the couch in the penthouse, landing on his stomach with his head ending up in Steve's lap and his hands down by his sides.</p><p>Steve, to his credit, doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that Tony's head almost landed on his favorite book, he just sets it aside, somewhere that Tony can't be bothered to look. He threads one hand through Tony's hair and rests the other on Tony's lower back. "Sing?" he questions quietly, his hand softly untangling the strands of Tony's hair in a slow manner that is just - <em>Steve</em>.</p><p>Everything Steve does with Tony is slow and measured and deliberate, a stark (<em>ha!</em>) contrast from the way Tony does good things on impulse, and Tony <em>loves</em> it. He loves <em>Steve</em>.</p><p>Tony hums, his eyes slipping closed as he feels all of the day's tension bleed out of his body, like Steve's hands are sucking it right out of him somehow. "Yeah. Sing. You know. The song?"</p><p>"You want me to sing the song?" Steve asks, and Tony cracks one eye open.</p><p>He sees the smile on the blond man's face and rolls his eyes before closing them again. Asshole. "Yes," he huffs, feigning annoyance even though he feels anything but, "the song. Stop being an ass, you know which one I'm talking about."</p><p>Steve hums, the sound somehow managing to come off as amused and a little bit patronising and loving and a dozen other things all rolled into one. "I'm not sure I do. You'll have to be more specific."</p><p>"You," Tony says seriously, without missing a beat or opening his eyes, "are such a little shit. I don't know what I did to deserve you, of all the people in the world."</p><p>The words come off Tony's tongue as an insult, but Steve, God bless him, hears them for what they really are and just hums again. "If anything," he tells Tony, voice casual but words packed with meaning, "I'm the one that doesn't deserve you."</p><p>Steve is more than well-versed in all things Tony. He knows that Tony will make jokes that sound rude but are really backhanded insults to himself, he knows that, and he takes it in stride. Tony really <em>doesn't</em> deserve Steve – because Steve is good, and kind, and everything that Tony is not – but Steve doesn't see it that way. If anything, Steve thinks that it's the other way around and, fuck, if that doesn't mess with Tony's heart a bit.</p><p>A strangled sound leaves Tony throat – there are too many feelings going through his head right now, and he's never been a feelings person – and he decides to skip the dance that they do every day. "Can you <em>please</em>," Steve's hand stops moving in Tony's hair, but Tony forges on, "sing our song. For me?"</p><p>Steve remains frozen for a few moments, but Tony can feel the way he relaxes, and his hand in his hair starts moving again, the hand on his back rubbing slow cirlces through Tony's shirt. "Okay," he agrees, his voice quiet.</p><p>Tony waits, waits as Steve clears his throat and settles back into the couch, and then Steve is singing and everything is <em>quiet</em>.</p><p>"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine."</p><p>Tony sighs happily and wriggles in place, maybe even pressing his head against Steve's hand in his hair. He's not one to seek out physical comfort – avoids it like it's his <em>job</em>, even – but Steve <em>wants</em> to touch him. Steve <em>wants</em> his thigh casually pressing against Tony's when they eat dinner with the rest of the team, he <em>wants</em> to have an arm slung around Tony's shoulders like it means nothing when they watch a movie together.</p><p>(And maybe Tony has grown to want it, too.)</p><p>Steve is always <em>touching</em> him, and it's such a difference from the greedy and sexual touches Tony used to get from the endless rotation of women and sometimes men, such a difference from the echoes of Howard's firm grip on his arm and Maria's timid and shaking touch on the small of his back.</p><p>It's <em>different</em>, and Tony <em>likes</em> it, so what is he supposed to do when the literal love of his life is playing with his hair – not lean into it?</p><p>(Just the thought of it has a ball of negative emotion rising in Tony's chest, and maybe he pushes into Steve's hand just a little bit harder.)</p><p>"You make me happy, when skies are grey."</p><p>And Steve's <em>voice</em>.</p><p>(Though, it might be the song.)</p><p>It sends warmth catapulting through Tony's chest and his stomach, and racing down his arms and legs until every inch of him feels like he's been basking in the sun. Tony supposes it's true, in a way – Steve largely represents the sun, sometimes.</p><p>Steve is bright and warm and shines down on everyone, so, for all intents and purposes, Steve <em>is</em> the sun. That makes Tony the moon, though, but Tony finds that he doesn't really have a problem with that.</p><p>He and Steve have so many differences it's ridiculous – maybe that's why they work so well together, both in a colleague and relationship partner sense. They balance each other out.</p><p>"You'll never know, dear, how much I love you."</p><p>Tony can feel his brain slowing down. All of his thoughts pull away until he's floating, drifting down a calm stream. He can feel his body go limp and his breathing go steady, and it's <em>wonderful</em>. Tony thinks he can hear a content sound leave his mouth, which is answered by Steve's nails lightly scratching against Tony's scalp and a small huff of laughter, but Tony really can't be bothered with that right now.</p><p>When Steve leaves him – which is a really depressing thought, but it's going to happen at some point because everyone leaves or hurts Tony, if Tony doesn't do it first – he'll miss this the most. He'll miss the way Steve's voice sounds and how it makes him feel, he'll miss the constant physical contact that comes with Steve singing to him, he'll miss <em>this</em>.</p><p>"Please don't take my sunshine away."</p><p>~</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>It stabs him through his chest and steals the breath out of his lungs.</p><p>Watching Steve stand there with Barnes, <em>protecting</em> him, hurts more than it probably should.</p><p>"I didn't know it was him," Steve says, his eyes pleading with Tony.</p><p>But Tony is so <em>angry</em>. Steve risked everything, broke multiple laws and forced Tony into this position, for Barnes. Tony gets it. Barnes is Steve's best friend, a friend that was presumed dead for the past 70 years. Tony would do the same thing if it was Rhodey. The issue he has with this is the way Steve is looking at Barnes, a look that Tony thought was reserved for him (Tony) and him (still Tony) alone.</p><p>"Don't bullshit me, Rogers!" Tony snaps, glancing at Barnes before looking back at Steve, and it <em>hurts</em>. He prays that Steve didn't know, their song playing fresh in his mind. "Did you know?" he asks again, accusing, not sure he wants to hear the answer.</p><p>For a second, Tony hopes. The hope that Steve didn't know rushes through him, too powerful to stop. If Steve didn't know about the role Barnes had in killing his parents, they can fix this. They can get Barnes help, and Tony can keep Ross off their backs for as long as he can, and Tony and Steve can go back to cuddling on couches and waking each other up with kisses.</p><p>But then Steve clenches his jaw, eyes filled with regret. And Tony knows it's all over.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>Tony's heart <em>breaks</em>. He's never had his heart broken before, but that's because he never let anyone in as far as he did Steve. No one else knows all of his quirks (read: issues) like Steve does, no one accepts said quirks (issues) like Steve does, no one <em>knows</em> Tony like Steve does, and Steve <em>broke him</em>.</p><p>Steve is sorry, Tony can see that, Steve is so, <em>so</em> sorry, but Tony can't focus on that because Steve <em>lied</em> to him and kept secrets and you don't <em>do</em> that. Tony is hurt and betrayed because Steve <em>knows</em> how much the death of his parents messed him up, just like Steve knows that Tony doesn't deal with emotions well.</p><p>Tony turns to anger. His anger over his parents murder is easier to process than the other emotions concerning Steve, and he lunges.</p><p>What happens next passes in a blur. Tony doesn't even know what he's doing, too blinded by his anger and hurt and <em>emotion</em>. What he does know is this: one second Steve is hitting him so hard he's stumbling backwards and suit systems are failing, and the next he's on the ground and a shield is being slammed into his chest and his helmet is off.</p><p>He looks up at Steve in disbelief, but Steve doesn't even spare him a second glance. With no signs of regret, Steve climbs to his feet and starts to drag Barnes out of the bunker, leaving Tony behind without looking back.</p><p>Tony panics. Steve is <em>leaving</em> and Tony doesn't want him to go. He scrambles for words, something that will hurt Steve or at least shock him into thinking about what he just did to Tony.</p><p>In the end, Tony spouts something about the shield, and Steve drops it without saying anything.</p><p>"FRI?" Tony chokes out as the cold starts to seep in. He hates the cold and Steve <em>knows</em> this and still left him behind with no way to get out. "You here?"</p><p>"Of course, Boss." FRIDAY's voice is soft and sympathetic, something Tony has never heard in her before. Her answer is lacking it's usual amount of sass – had Tony not be in the pitiful state he's in, she probably would've said something along the lines of <em>I can't exactly go anywhere, can I?</em> – which is what clues him into her concern.</p><p>"D'you think you could turn the heaters on?" His voice is small and scared and broken, and Tony closes his eyes in shame. FRIDAY is like Tony's daughter, and the number one Rule of Parenthood, according to Howard, is to never show weakness in front of your child. Tony can't help it, though – the <em>love of his life</em> left him to die in the cold, die living one of his worst nightmares, for another man.</p><p>Now more than ever, Tony finds himself doubting the extent of Steve's feelings for Barnes. You don't essentially go against multiple countries of the world and become a fugitive, or leave your boyfriend to die, for heterosexual reasons. At least, not in Tony's world. There has to be some romantic feelings that Steve has for Barnes – that thought is easier to entertain then the fact that Steve was willing to become a fugitive for the sole purpose of getting away from Tony.</p><p>The arc reactor powerd the suit. With the suit's arc reactor destroyed, Tony only has a limited amount of power at his disposal, not nearly enough to power up the thrusters and get out of here.</p><p>Steve knew that when he shoved his shield into Tony's chest.</p><p>FRIDAY turns the heaters on, and the warmth provides a small amount of relief. He knows the heater will fail eventually, he can already feel his face going numb, and he needs to get some sort of signal out. Rhodey is incapacitated, so is the young Peter Parker, he doesn't trust Natasha, not anymore – if he ever did – Thor and Bruce aren't here, the rest of the team is God knows where, and it'll take anyone else far too long to reach Tony before he succumbs to either his physical injuries, injuries given to him by Steve, or hypothermia.</p><p>Long story short: no one is coming to save him, and he's going to die alone.</p><p>The thing about dying slowly is that you have time to think.</p><p>Tony thinks back to all his moments with Steve, all the songs, and the kisses, and the hugs, and the stolen moments. He thinks back on at it all, and wishes that he could say he wouldn't change a thing.</p><p>But he can't say that. Because, if given the chance, he would absolutely make sure that none of it ever happened, that he never joined the stupid fucking Avengers, which makes Tony realise that Bruce was right – they <em>are</em> a ticking time bomb. Or, were.</p><p>But, yeah, if ever presented with the opportunity, Tony would make sure to not, under any circumstances, fall in love with one Steve Rogers and his particular brand of righteousness.</p><p>He never wants to go through this again, and he'd make sure of that if he could.</p><p>(He's lying.)</p><p>"FRI?" Tony asks again, voice echoing in the small room.</p><p>"Yes, Boss?"</p><p>"Can you play mine and Steve's song? It's - There's a recording of him singing it. Can you –"</p><p>Tony cuts off.</p><p>FRIDAY doesn't answer at first, but when she does her voice is full of worry.</p><p>"I've found the recording, Boss, but playing it would divert a substantial amount of power from the heaters. Without the heaters –"</p><p>"I'm as good as dead," Tony interrupts, "I know. Please just play it."</p><p>FRIDAY takes a couple more seconds to respond. And what she says breaks Tony's heart even more.</p><p>"Tony, am I going to have to watch you die?"</p><p>Her voice sounds sad and vulnerable, and Tony wishes he could lie to her. But, out of all the people he's lied to, he can't lie to FRIDAY. She's probably the only other person besides Steve that knows him best, that loves him, and he can't lie to her.</p><p>"Yeah, baby girl," Tony says, his voice quiet. "Probably. I don't want you to, and I wish you didn't have to but - you will."</p><p>The song starts playing and Tony can immediately feel the difference in temperature as power is taken from the heaters. Tony suspects that he would be crying if he wasn't so cold.</p><p>(Though, the coldness is starting to give way to numbness. Tony's not sure how much of a good thing that is.)</p><p>Steve's voice plays.</p><p>
  <em>"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine."</em>
</p><p>Tony closes his eyes and listens, lets himself start to drift off.</p><p>
  <em>"You make me happy when skies are grey."</em>
</p><p>Tony is back home in the Tower, laying on Steve's lap and is being soothed to sleep.</p><p>(Tony is in a bunker, laying on the cold floor and is freezing to death.)</p><p>
  <em>"You'll never know, dear, how much I love you."</em>
</p><p>Tony is falling asleep.</p><p>(Tony is dying.)</p><p>Everything is good.</p><p>(Everything is most definitely not good.)</p><p>
  <em>"Please don't take my sunshine away."</em>
</p><p>~</p><p>FRIDAY manages to send a signal to Vision as Tony's eyes slip closed, the song playing out into the room, sung in Captain Rogers' voice.</p><p>She's not sure what else she can do. Keeping Tony awake is futile at this point, and all she can do is watch his vitals and wait for Vision to show up.</p><p>FRIDAY liked Captain Rogers. He was honorable, and, while wary of her at first, after the Ultron situation, quickly warmed up to her when she was young. He treated her with respect, like he treated the rest of the team, and FRIDAY admired that.</p><p>What Captain Rogers just did to Tony is not admirable.</p><p>He told Tony, repeatedly and with the utmost sincerity, that he would never hurt him. And yet, he did. Captain Rogers left Tony here to die.</p><p>FRIDAY doesn't understand it, and she doesn't attempt to try to. Attempting to understand the motives of Captain Rogers is not something she wants to dwell on.</p><p>FRIDAY liked Captain Rogers at one point, of that she is sure. But, he hurt Tony, both physically and emotionally, after he promised not to.</p><p>It's so out of character. It's not something that FRIDAY could have ever seen Captain Rogers doing. But he did.</p><p>Looking through footage, FRIDAY watches all of Captain Rogers and Tony's interactions with one another.</p><p>She determines that she doesn't like Steve Rogers as much as she once did.</p><p>FRIDAY stops playing the recording.</p><p>Tony doesn't make a sound.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He's still probably not going to go, but that's irrelevant, so. It looks like Tony is pretending to think about seeing a therapist.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>someone asked for more, and i originally wasn't going to do it but then this idea hit me and i just went with it. it sort of got away from me a bit, but i think it's okay. it ended up being way longer than i expected, so keep that in mind.</p><p>there's lots and lots of time skips that aren't explicitly defined?? but that's just how i do things so.</p><p>i apologize for any mistakes :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tony has had his fair share of bad relationships. Really, there's been quite a lot. All of his <em>serious</em> relationships – well, relationships that had been serious to him, at least – be they platonic or romantic, have always gone in a direction Tony wishes they didn't.</p><p>What's pathetic is that the only relationships with people he's managed to keep over the years, and not completely smash to pieces, are his friendships with Pepper and Rhodey – and even those bonds get tested sometimes.</p><p>The truth is that Tony's - <em>Tony</em>. He's clingy, and he gets attached too easily, and he works too much, and for too long, and he can't properly take care of himself because he forgets to eat or sleep, and he's an emotionally constipated piece of shit that doesn't deserve love and affection and his recent relationship failure with Steve just proves that.</p><p>Because Steve left. He <em>left</em> – and hurt Tony in the process – after he promised he wouldn't, and Tony will never admit how much that keeps him awake most nights.</p><p>Tony almost <em>died</em> in that bunker. The hypothermia had been a problem, yes, and so had the various physical injuries he'd obtained. Vision had shown up right as Tony was beginning to lose consciousness, and had managed to get him medical assistance before the damage had become irreversible. Which isn't to say the damage <em>isn't</em> irreversible because, well, it is – Tony's pretty sure he's going to have a permanent ache in his chest for the rest of his life. But, the doctors said he would be fine, so it's not like Tony can complain.</p><p>Vis had fucked off soon after that – presumably to go with Steve or Wanda, because why should Tony have anyone at all anymore?</p><p>All of it is a blur of painful memories for Tony, so all he knows is this: he almost died, but he didn't, and he's not so sure that's a good thing.</p><p>He's still laying in a hospital bed. It's been two weeks, and, sure, Tony still aches all over but it's nothing he can't handle, and he wants to go <em>do something</em>. Who knew that sitting around doing nothing all day could be so <em>boring</em>?</p><p>(Tony, Tony knew, that's why he always doing something.)</p><p>However boring it is, Tony finds ways to distract himself. He gets Pepper to bring him paperwork to read through and sign, and he gets Rhodey to bring him Rubik's cubes and other similar puzzles to keep himself occupied. Tony also talks to Friday. After getting her to delete all recordings of the bunker – only off the main servers, though; he instructed her to keep it backed up in a secure place so he could watch it again and again when he needed something to obsess over and dissect – he didn't talk to her for a while. Mostly out of shame, but also because he was - scared.</p><p>Everyone else had pulled away from Tony or been chased away by Tony or been hurt <em>by Tony</em>, and Tony didn't want to hurt her too.</p><p>Maybe it didn't make sense. Tony's her creator, after all, and didn't that mean she <em>had</em> to stay? And maybe that's true. But, to Tony, Friday is her own person, with feelings and emotions, even if she doesn't have a physical human body, and he didn't want to force her to stay if that wasn't what she wanted.</p><p>Eventually, with Friday being her persistent self, Tony grew a pair and voiced his fears, and, well – Here they are.</p><p>"Fri?" Tony questions, his voice standing out in the silence of the part of the Medbay he's staying in. His eyes are wide open as he stares at the ceiling, but he can't bring himself to close them, not with his brain running at 60 miles an hour. "You awake?"</p><p>"I am, Boss."</p><p>Tony loves Friday. She's not Jarvis, no one could ever be Jarvis – the human one or the AI – but she doesn't have to be. He doesn't <em>require</em> her to be. Friday is Friday, and Tony loves her because she's always there and when she does leave on occasion – the times where she goes silent on her own accord because Tony snapped and said something rude to her – she always comes back. The only people who've ever done that, who've ever <em>come back</em> are Pepper and Rhodey, so it's kind of a big deal for Tony.</p><p>He misses Jarvis, he does, and he hasn't quite accepted that he's gone – if the way he calls out a question and is surprised when he hears a female voice instead of the male one he was expecting tells him anything – but he loves Friday and he's glad she's here with him.</p><p>"What time is it?"</p><p>Tony closes his eyes. His voice sounds small and meek, the same way it did in the bunker, and Tony really does not want to be reminded of that right now.</p><p>"The time is two-forty-eight a.m., Boss." Apparently anticipating his next question, Friday continues to speak. "You told me <em>good night</em> at approximately eleven-twenty-four, and there's no reason for you to be out of bed doing anything for the next three hours and twenty-two minutes."</p><p>Tony sighs. "Do you think that Pep would get mad at me if I went down to the lab for a few hours?"</p><p>"In her words," Friday starts, the amusement clear in her voice, "if she catches you out of bed before six o'clock she will get Rhodey to throw you out the nearest window."</p><p>A grin grows on Tony's face because he knows that Pepper will most definitely do that. That's what he loves about Pepper – she doesn't take any of his bullshit and she calls him out on just about everything he does, and she <em>cares</em>.</p><p>It's a good thing she didn't give in to Tony asking her out because their relationship would've been ruined behind repair and Tony doesn't think he could handle not having Pepper in his life.</p><p>Tony sighs again – he just wants to <em>stop thinking</em>. For once in his life, he wants his brain to stop whirring and figuring things out and examining everything he's ever done in his life, and he wants it to happen without having to work himself to exhaustion. That's usually how he deals with it, he goes into his lab and doesn't eat or sleep until he inevitably passes out and that's that. His brain goes quiet and he can actually get some fucking sleep without the threat of nightmares looming over him like some big bad villain.</p><p>Steve hated it when he went in his lab for days on end and didn't come out. He claimed it was <em>unhealthy</em>, like Tony didn't already know that. Like Tony didn't already know that he was fucked up and not normal, like he needed it pointed out by yet another person he loved.</p><p>The only thing that worked almost as well as working until he passed out was having Steve sing to him, and, well. That's not happening any time soon, not after what happened.</p><p>(Tony quickly shuts that line of thinking down because he can't lay here and talk about Steve like things are normal when they really aren't.)</p><p>Idly, and not for the first time, Tony wonders if it's his fault. He should've fought harder against the Accords, he knows that, but - He just wanted to be held accountable for things. He wanted the Avengers to be able to face the consequences for the damage they caused in the process of <em>saving the day</em>, and he wanted the whole team to be blamed for things gone wrong instead of just him.</p><p>Because that's what happened – any mission failures and things along that line were always connected back to Tony Stark, were always the responsibility of Tony Stark and Tony Stark alone, and he just. Got tired of it. He didn't want SI to continue to suffer as a result of the Avengers.</p><p>But that wasn't even the big issue. The big issue was that the Avenges were allowed to freely roam and stomp and indirectly hurt people, and Tony wanted them to answer for that. Tony had already indirectly hurt thousands – maybe millions – of people while he'd been making weapons, and he hadn't been answering for that. Was it really so wrong of him to want things to be different now that he was explicitly on the right side of things?</p><p>Maybe that was the problem, though. The "right side" of things. Is there a right side to anything? Tony had been selling weapons to the US government, but his weapons had also ended up on the opposing side, and each side believed that they were in the right.</p><p>War is subjective and history books are written by the winners. Tony knows that like the back of his hand now – he wishes he had known it sooner – and he knows that the statement applies pretty well to the situation with Steve.</p><p>Except he doesn't want to think about Steve right now. He knows he'll only find ways to justify Steve's actions and he's not justifying <em>shit</em>, not when Tony is hurt and Rhodey will never walk again and his heart feels like it's shredded in his chest and there's a teenager out in Queens – a teenager that never should've been involved – nursing various injuries and everything is a disaster.</p><p>(He doesn't want to think about it because he knows, he <em>knows</em>, that all of that is his fault, and he doesn't want to accept responsibility right now.)</p><p>"Friday," Tony gasps out, wanting to escape from the thoughts that threaten to pull him under the water and hold him there, "play some music. Anything that's loud."</p><p>Tony's not sure what Friday decides to put on, but it's loud enough to drown out his thoughts before they can drown him and that's all Tony really wants.</p><p>~</p><p>A week after he's released from the hospital and taken off of bed rest, Rhodey tells him to see a therapist.</p><p>"What?" Tony spits out, angry even as guilt sits in his throat at the sight of Rhodey struggling to walk, even with the braces he threw himself into making. "I'm sorry, I must've heard you wrong, I thought you said –"</p><p>"To go and see a therapist, yes," Rhodey responds patiently, unable to completely mask the underlying strain in his voice as he takes slow step after step. Tony opens his mouth to speak, but Rhodey continues. "You need it, Tones. I'm not going to push you if you're really against it, but. You should consider it, at the very least," he says, shooting Tony a pointed look.</p><p>Tony scowls, waiting for a few seconds before responding. "Great, I considered it, answer's still no."</p><p>Rhodey scowls right back. "Tony, you've done nothing but wallow ever since –" He, wisely, Tony thinks, cuts himself off before he can finish his sentence, continuing instead with a sigh. "Look. You feel guilty, even though you shouldn't, and you're keeping everything locked up inside. It's not <em>healthy</em>," Tony really hates that word, "and I'm worried about what's going to happen when you blow up and lose it."</p><p>"It's nice to know you have such faith in my abilities to cope," Tony says, voice sarcastic as he searches for any amount of humor he can find in this situation.</p><p>"But you're not coping," Rhodey snaps, turning around to stare at Tony, his walking exercises forgotten and a blazing fire in his eyes. "I'm not even a therapist and I know that. You're pushing everything down like you always do," Tony has to scoff at that because it's true but he's not going to admit that it is, "and that shit is gonna build up and blow up, and then where will you be?"</p><p>"Probably off somewhere thinking about how perfectly <em>fine</em> I am."</p><p>Rhodey glares at him, not finding the sentence amusing. "Like I said, I'm not telling you that you <em>have</em> to go. But think about it, <em>seriously</em> think about. Weigh the pros and cons and <em>think</em> about it."</p><p>Rhodey continues to glare, and Tony is the first to break. He looks down with a sigh. "Fine, yeah," he mumbles, "I'll think about it."</p><p>He's still probably not going to go, but that's irrelevant and not what Rhodey wants to hear, so. It looks like Tony is pretending to think about seeing a therapist.</p><p>(Honestly, a <em>therapist</em>? Stark men don't need <em>therapists</em>. Therapists mean you're weak, that you're soft, and Tony is neither weak nor soft.)</p><p>Rhodey, apparently satisfied with Tony's answer, softens a little. "I'm just worried about you, Tones."</p><p>Tony rolls his eyes. "You're a worrier, it's in your nature."</p><p>He doesn't say how comforting that thought is.</p><p>~</p><p>Rhodey gives him the contact information of a highly renowned – and extremely private – therapist the next day.</p><p>Joke's on him, and the therapist – it's not like Tony is ever going to use it.</p><p>(Still, for some reason, he doesn't toss the card in the trash.)</p><p>~</p><p>He read the letter. And then he reads it again. And again. And again and again and again.</p><p>He's memorized the entire thing at this point, after reading it so many times, but there's one phrase in particular that sticks out to Tony:</p><p>
  <em>I love you, but...</em>
</p><p>That's what everything falls back to, doesn't it? <em>I love you, Tony, but you're reckless and stupid and too much. I love you, Tony, but I can't stay with you. I love you, Tony, but I love him more.</em></p><p>The letter from Steve does two things: one, it reminds Tony that he'll never be good enough, that there's always going to be someone better. Tony will never be <em>enough</em> for anyone, and it hurts because one of his worst fears is finally being confirmed true. And two, it only backs up his claim that he is undeserving of love and everything that comes with it, and that will never change.</p><p>Over the past few days, Tony's life has become one big spiral of revelations that he hoped would never prove to be true, and Tony feels like he's spiraling, too.</p><p>But when is he not?</p><p>Not for the first time, the conversation that he had with Rhodey about seeing a therapist pops up in his head, but he quickly shakes his head from side to side to stop thinking about it.</p><p>He's not going to call the therapist that Rhodey recommended. He's <em>not</em>. He doesn't need a shrink in his head, psychoanalyzing him and telling him what's wrong with him, not when he already <em>knows</em>, and he's not going to think about Steve's stupid fucking letter, either.</p><p>But what a load of bullshit! The Avengers aren't his <em>family</em>. Family doesn't abandon people, family doesn't let someone pay for practically everything they own or do and then turn around and call that someone <em>selfish</em> and <em>egotistical</em>.</p><p><em>Family</em> doesn't do what the Avengers did to each other, and if they <em>were</em> a family then they were the worst family ever.</p><p>So why does he miss them?</p><p>~</p><p>He goes out. He goes out and he makes appearances at public events, and he donates to charities, and awards multiple internships at Stark Industries, and gives out scholarships to exemplary high school seniors. He does everything he did before, except. It's different now. It <em>feels</em> different now.</p><p>Now, he smiles for the cameras, but without Steve or anyone else from the team there with him, they feel empty. Wrong. Different. Now, when he has to go meet with someone important when he'd rather do anything else, he doesn't have anyone to make him give genuine laughs, not that anyone would be able to tell the difference between one of his real laughs and his fake ones.</p><p>
  <em>Steve would.</em>
</p><p>Sometimes Tony really hates his brain, because it says shit like that but it's <em>right</em>. Steve <em>would</em> know the difference. Steve always said that it had something to do with the pitch of his laugh and the small lines that showed up around his mouth and eyes, things that most other people didn't see. (It was probably because of Steve's enhanced senses and his precise attention to detail.) Even Rhodey and Pepper sometimes had trouble with figuring out when Tony was being genuine and when he wasn't, but not Steve. Never Steve. Steve <em>always</em> knew, was always there to whisk him away whenever the urge to punch someone rose up.</p><p>Steve could read Tony easily, and better than most others could.</p><p>Tony is just now realizing how bad he was at reading Steve.</p><p>How long had Steve been lying to him? How long had Steve stopped coming by his lab to hang out and talk (and sometimes have sex, but that's not the important thing) under the guise of <em>not feeling too well</em> when he was actually out looking for Barnes? How long had <em>any of it</em> been happening?</p><p>He wishes he had seen it earlier. He wishes that he had seen what, looking back, he can now see clearly. He can see the way Steve started shying away from Tony's touches, the way Steve stopped initiating contact, the way Steve started fidgeting any time he was left alone in a room with Tony. He can see how Steve started emotionally pulling away, how Steve had started looking <em>guilty</em> for absolutely no reason at all, and he can see that there actually was a reason all along.</p><p>That raises a question in Tony's mind.</p><p>Had Steve started pulling away and avoiding Tony and not <em>being there</em> because he'd realized he was still in love with Barnes?</p><p>The answer leaves a bad taste in Tony's mouth.</p><p>Tony loves Steve. He does, even now, when Steve has done so much to hurt him, whether it was on purpose or not. He still loves the man that took his world by storm and gave him everything he thought he would never have. He <em>loves</em> Steve, and he wishes he would come back.</p><p>It's understandable, what Steve did. Tony is - <em>Tony</em>, and he understands why Steve would want to leave, why Steve would want someone so much better. He gets it.</p><p>Doesn't mean it hurts any less.</p><p>~</p><p>He tells Happy to monitor the kid. Not because he doesn't want to be around Parker – using the kid's first name feels, weirdly, too intimate – but because he <em>can't</em>. He's going to want to be a part of the kid's life, and he can't do that, not when there's a possibility that Tony will ruin him like he ruined the Avengers.</p><p>Despite all of that, for a second, Tony considers keeping an eye on the kid himself. It couldn't go <em>too</em> bad, right? Sure, Tony would probably end up making some huge mistake and ruining everything, but Parker would recover from that, right? It's not like Tony would be able to cause that much damage, because he's not extremely important to anyone except Rhodey and Pepper and Happy, and he doesn't have a huge emotional impact on the lives of others.</p><p>But Tony can't take that chance, he won't let himself have the opportunity to hurt the kid, so, no. Tony leaves the monitoring to Happy. Tony will help from afar, offer up some half-advice whenever Happy asks for it, but he'll let Happy handle the everyday things.</p><p>~</p><p>The thing that gets to Tony the most is the fact that he's alone again.</p><p>If he has a nightmare, Steve isn't here to wake him up. Steve isn't here to cook him food whenever he comes out of his lab. Steve isn't here to listen to him talk about the projects he's working on. Steve <em>isn't here</em> and that hurts because Tony thought he'd be here forever.</p><p>He'd known, even in the beginning, that it wouldn't work out. It never works out, not for Tony. Tony doesn't get happy endings, not like everyone else. It's like the universe is determined to make sure Tony gets bits and pieces of happiness only to have it ripped away from him.</p><p>Tony's pretty sure that mindset shouldn't be the main one he's living by but it's gotten him this far in life so it can't be all that bad.</p><p>A thing about himself that Tony has just discovered is that he doesn't like being alone. He's doesn't like waking up alone and eating alone and sleeping alone. Well, he's not <em>alone</em> in the sense that no one is around, because people <em>are</em> around. Rhodey comes by, and so does Pepper and Happy, and Friday is always here. But that's different. He had someone, someone who he let see all of him, all of the things he hides from everyone else, and that's gone now.</p><p>He's lonely. Yeah, that's a better word for it. Tony is <em>lonely</em>, despite having people he trusts coddling him and making sure he's alright and people who love him, and it's a terrible feeling.</p><p>~</p><p>For a hot minute – meaning for a good, long while – Tony considers going out and finding someone to have sex with. He doesn't even know why, doesn't know why he wants to go party and come back with a one-night-stand. He doesn't do that anymore. He hasn't in a long time, and he doesn't want to break his streak.</p><p>But the urge to do it is strong, stronger than it's ever been before, and Tony doesn't know how to handle it.</p><p>So he doesn't.</p><p>He doesn't go out to bring someone home – he just ignores it. That's the solution to all of his problems, he's well aware, but until another solution that actually <em>helps</em> comes up, this is what he's stuck with.</p><p>~</p><p>Tony wakes up screaming a week after he makes the decision to leave Parker alone.</p><p>He sits up, his heart pounding in his chest, and he's extremely grateful that both Pepper and Rhodey are away from the Tower right now. Flashes of Afghanistan, and New York and the portal he flew through, and Ivan, and Killian, and Ultron and everything else he's ever been through runs through his mind.</p><p>That's normal. The nightmares happen almost every time Tony goes to sleep without staying awake for at least three days, and he doesn't know why he thought tonight would be different.</p><p>Except tonight <em>was</em>different. Not in a good way, never in a good way. It was different because this time, Steve had been one of the nightmares, too.</p><p>In the nightmare, Steve drove the shield into his chest, just like he had in real life, and pulled it out again. But, this time, he didn't stop there. He did it again and again and again, all while looking Tony right in the eye, until blood was spattered across his face and Tony's mouth filled up with blood as his ribs broke and punctured his organs and Tony <em>died</em>.</p><p>"Are you okay, Boss?" Friday asks as Tony rubs his hands through his hair and then over his eyes. "Would you like me to call someone?"</p><p>"No," he breathes out, his voice shaking. "No, it's okay, I'm fine."</p><p>He knows it wasn't real, knows the nightmares never are, but they <em>feel</em> real. They always feel so very real and Tony wants it to<em>stop</em>. He just wants it to stop.</p><p>And that, that want right there, is the reason why Tony climbs out of bed, walks over to his dresser, and picks up the card that's sitting on top of it.</p><p>(He's ignoring the fact that he's most likely doing it because of Steve. The nightmares have been happening for years and Tony's been fine, and then, all of a sudden, Steve shows up as an attacker in one and <em>now</em> is when Tony decides he needs help? Yeah, right, that's totally just a coincidence.</p><p>He's also ignoring the fact that all he can hear is Howard's voice in his head, telling him that he's a pansy for even considering calling the number on the card and scheduling an appointment.)</p><p>He walks back over to his bed and sits down on the edge of it, grabbing his phone from the nightstand.</p><p>Tony waits for a minute or two, staring down at the card and the numbers that he can just barely make out in the darkness – which doesn't matter, he memorized the phone number not long after he saw the card; one of the downsides to being a person who doesn't forget numbers easily – before he starts dialing. He puts his phone up to his ear and raises his other hand to play with his bottom lip as the line rings and rings. A machine answers, saying that the office is closed, and Tony hangs up, cursing as he realizes it's only just past one in the morning.</p><p>Well, that was obviously a sign from the universe to not go to therapy, so Tony puts his phone back down on the nightstand, along with the card, and falls back into bed, landing on his stomach.</p><p>There's been an ache in the pit of Tony's chest for a while, one that hasn't gotten any smaller. If anything, it's grown bigger, all of Tony's doubts and fears and insecurities being poured into it. Tony knows it's not <em>healthy</em>, but it's also all he's ever known, all he remembers doing anytime anything even mildly inconveniencing happened, so it's not like he can just <em>stop</em>.</p><p>Therapy would probably help with that, but Tony's pride is too big. And he's also kind of scared. What if all therapy does for him is reaffirm the fact that he's a messed up human being and there's no way to fix that?</p><p>Regardless, he'll still think about going. He probably won't end up actually <em>going</em>, but.</p><p>It's the thought that counts, right?</p><p>~</p><p>The nightmares about Steve don't stop. They're always about the same thing, with some variation, but they <em>don't stop</em>.</p><p>Tony has tried to stay awake for as long as possible so he can pass out without issue, and it kind of works. He doesn't ever remember having a nightmare, but he always wakes up in a cold sweat with a pounding heart, and what other conclusion is there to come to?</p><p>It always happens early in the mornings, and Tony gets the answering machine for the therapist's office each time. He's starting to think that the universe is making him have these nightmares and the want for them to stop so he'll call the therapist's office and have no one answer, just so Tony can be reminded that there's nothing he can do.</p><p>He supposes he could try to figure it out himself. He's certainly smart enough to, and he'd be able to do it without much difficulty, but he'd also probably refuse to one, recognize his problems, or two, not know how to fix said problems.</p><p>But he also doesn't want to give Rhodey the satisfaction of being right, because he's petty like that, and proving Rhodey wrong will always come before doing something that might actually help him.</p><p>There's obviously a lot of things wrong with Tony, but there's always been <em>something</em> wrong with Tony, so he's not all that worried. Well, he's a little worried, but everything about him is normal at this point, so he's not <em>too</em> worried.</p><p>Maybe he should be.</p><p>~</p><p>"You haven't slept in three days!"</p><p>"I'm well aware, Pep," Tony responds cheerfully, ignoring the death stare Pepper is shooting him.</p><p>It's not like he can deny it – he <em>hasn't</em> slept in three days. He shoots a swift glare at one of Friday's cameras as he leans back against the couch; he knows that Friday is the one that told Pepper he hasn't been sleeping. To be fair, the last time he <em>did</em> sleep he got a solid three hours, so.</p><p>Take that, Pepper.</p><p>Tony's been getting worse. Usually, if he doesn't sleep for several days, he makes up for it by passing out for the next twelve hours when sleep finally <em>does</em> come. Now, he's been not sleeping for at least three days only to turn around sleep for two hours, three if he's lucky. It's all adding up. He's irritable – more so than usual – and tired and he can't focus on anything. He hasn't been out of his lab for the past week, and the only reason he's out now is because Pepper threatened bodily harm and Pepper is scary.</p><p>Anyway, Pepper's worry is well-founded, considering everything, but Tony is–</p><p>He's not doing too well – God, the amount of time it took him to realize that is <em>awful</em> – but he can't let Pepper know that.</p><p>"Yeah? And are you <em>well aware</em> of the fact that you've missed the last <em>five</em> of the meetings you had to go to? One of them being with a UN representative?"</p><p>Tony wants to ask what that was supposed to be about because he can't remember, but he decides against it because he <em>doesn't care</em>. He just wants to take a few weeks to himself and sit and do whatever he wants without having to face anybody. He doesn't want to live up to all of his responsibilities, he just wants to disappear for just two weeks, three at most. After that, he'll come back and work his ass off and deal with everything.</p><p>He tells Pepper as much. He expects her to go on an angry rant about <em>adulting</em> and <em>responsibilities</em> and <em>the company</em> – it wouldn't be the first time – but she sags instead, all of the fight leaving her.</p><p>"Tony. I know that the last few weeks have been hard, and I don't blame you for wanting to get away. Okay," she adds after Tony gives her a disbelieving look. "Maybe I blame you a little bit, but that's not the point." She sighs. "Things have been hard, and you're still adjusting to being without... everybody else, and that would be completely okay if you weren't on the path to killing yourself."</p><p>Tony waves her away, touched by her concern but not enough to show it. He's learned in all his years of life that you don't show your feelings, even to those you trust with everything in you. "I'll be fine, I've been doing this for years."</p><p>Pepper lets out a frustrated huff of air. "Yes, I know it's what you've been doing for years, that doesn't make it any better."</p><p>Tony sighs, tipping his head back to rest against the couch. "I'll be fine," he repeats.</p><p>That's when Pepper starts to get angry.</p><p>Tony doesn't think he's ever seen Pepper <em>angry</em>. Annoyed or incredibly inconvenienced, yes, but never angry. Or, she's never been directly angry at him or something he did. Anyway, it's new, and Tony is more terrified of Pepper than he's ever been in the past.</p><p>"Anthony Edward Stark," Pepper starts, and Tony lifts his head and stares, eyes wide, straight at Pepper. "Don't you <em>dare</em> tell me you'll be <em>fine</em>. Friday told me you haven't eaten for as long as you haven't slept–" Tony will be having words with the AI, if he makes it out of this alive "–which is both irresponsible and extremely unhealthy if you didn't know. You're emotionally distraught, even if you haven't told anyone about it, and I'm not going to stand by and watch you do that. I just want you to <em>talk</em> to me," Pepper says after a few seconds of silence, her voice choked and broken into pieces as the look in her eyes goes from anger to hurt and helplessness.</p><p>Tony is frozen in place, eyes locked onto the fire burning in Pepper's, and her words hit him like a brick in the chest.</p><p>He knows he shouldn't be doing what he's doing, but he can't help it. Not sleeping or eating for days on end is how he deals with his problems and he can't just <em>not</em> do that. He tried, one time with Steve. He tried to be around people and talk about it and that just made things so much worse and he'd rather not do that again.</p><p>Tony blinks, swallows, and then blinks again. Okay. He can do this. It's all fine. He doesn't have to say too much, just enough so she knows he's <em>trying</em>. If he tells her what he's feeling, that makes him weak, but if he doesn't she's going to <em>worry</em> and Tony doesn't want her to worry.</p><p>Working past the lump in his throat, Tony manages to choke out a couple of words. "It's just weird."</p><p>Pepper frowns. "What do you mean?"</p><p>Tony swallows again, the lump in his throat growing bigger. There's a scar on his chest, one that's there as a result of Steve driving the shield into Tony's chest, and it starts aching as Tony says his next words. "'Cause Steve's not here. Like - normally he'd be here drawing or painting or sketching or something, and. He's not. And it's weird."</p><p>The look Pepper is giving him is soft and loving and Tony's not sure he likes it all that much. He feels vulnerable, like he's just given out his greatest weakness – which he actually might have done – and he doesn't like it, so he clears his throat and stands up.</p><p>"Well, I have work to do, so I'll see you later."</p><p>Pepper nods and gives him the most understanding look Tony has ever been on the receiving end of.</p><p>"I'm coming to drag you out at midnight," she says as she walks towards the elevator, Tony staring after her.</p><p>It's not a huge amount of time, but it still gives Tony a little more than six hours to overthink, so it's not like he's complaining all that much.</p><p>Tony thought the whole <em>talking about your feelings</em> things was pointless – he still does – but now he can't deny that he does feel <em>slightly</em>, just a smidge, better. His chest still aches, from both phantom and emotional pain, but it feels <em>less</em>, in a way. Like, it's still there, but it's more manageable.</p><p>Not enough to make him start doing it regularly, of course not, just the thought is ridiculous, but maybe enough to make him kind of reconsider his stance on the therapy thing.</p><p>~</p><p>Apparently, <em>kind of reconsider</em> means that he's going to therapy.</p><p>Wow. He never thought he'd say <em>that</em> in his life.</p><p>He's still a little freaked out by the fact that he's actually doing this, but he figures he can try going once, have his doubts about the practice confirmed, and then get on with his life.</p><p>He tells Pepper. He wasn't going to, not at first, but he asked her to draw up some confidentiality agreements and stuff, and he had to tell her what they were for and. Now she knows. She, predictably, told Rhodey, so now Rhodey knows too, and he's strutting around – as best he can in his newly constructed leg braces – because he <em>knew you were gonna go, Tones, it was only a matter of time</em>.</p><p>Tony hates him. But, you know, hates him in a love way. Rhodey is like the brother he never had, and it makes him sort of glad that he's an only child; if he grew up with a brother like Rhodey, he's not sure he would've made it all these years. Rhodey is annoying.</p><p>But Tony guesses that's what he signed up for when he got attached to Rhodey. Curse him and his need for affection and relationships with people.</p><p>In a way, he's kind of glad about his decision. It's a win-win situation for him. If it works, then, hopefully, Tony will be able to fix himself, and if it doesn't, then he can go about his days like he's been doing and everything will be fine.</p><p>Pepper says she's proud of him.</p><p>He should take the time to break the statement apart for its meaning – because Obie said it all the time, and he never meant it – but he doesn't. He hasn't had anyone be <em>proud</em> of him in years, and it's a nice feeling and Tony wants to revel in it for a just a little while longer.</p><p>When Tony tells Happy, he, the good man that he is, doesn't do anything besides grunt. That might be because he wanted to be in charge of the move from the Tower to the Compound, a move that, for some reason, Tony's not all that sure about going through with. It's whatever – Tony knows that, deep down, Happy is (hopefully) proud, too.</p><p>The point is: Tony is a little scared about this, but his friends are supporting him and are showing that he's not making a huge mistake, so. Can't end too bad, can it?</p><p>They make sure that Tony going to therapy doesn't get out. The media would start raising hell and giving him shit for it, and Tony doesn't want that. He wants to see if there's any way to fix everything that's wrong with him, and he doesn't want to do that while simultaneously dealing with whatever the media would say. And the fallout that the company would go through if it got out that Tony Stark was going to therapy – even saying to himself sounds weird – is something that no one wanted to think about, so the only people who know are himself, Happy, Rhodey, Pepper, the therapist – who Tony refuses to know the name of beforehand, so as not to give his brain a reason to decide that he doesn't want to go after all – and a few select others who signed pretty extensive confidentiality agreements.</p><p>Maybe it's a bad decision, going to therapy, but Tony can't really bring himself to regret it, not when he's finally staring down a viable and <em>healthy</em> – take that everybody who's ever used the word <em>unhealthy</em> in regards to him – option that might actually work.</p><p>And that's when Tony realizes that he lied to himself: if therapy doesn't work, Tony might become even more broken then he already is.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>also, there's gonna be a third and fourth chapter because reasons, i'm sorry. this was only supposed to be two chapters at the most, but it got longer than i wanted and i didn't want the chapter lengths to be disproportionate like that, so. four chapters, yay :)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the rest of the chapters are coming in a little bit, life is stressful so i'm sorry in advance for how long it's going to take.</p><p>i do plan on cleaning up the tags when the entire thing is finished, don't worry, i know they look a little <em>ugh</em> at the moment but i don't want to do anything to them and then have the story change later on and then have to go back and fix them <em>again</em>, so, yeah, tags will be changed at the end :)</p><p>find me on <a href="https://michellejones-stacy.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> &lt;33</p></blockquote></div></div>
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